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🎧 Episode 5: My Spirit Guide is a Conspiracy Theorist Who Wears Crocs

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The journey to connect with your higher self is supposed to be sacred. Serene. Illuminating. Mine was... none of those. Because instead of meeting some majestic, glowing light-being or ancient wise owl made of stardust and sage smoke, I got Gary. Yes. Gary. My spirit guide wears Crocs, drinks invisible Red Bull, and believes Atlantis invented Wi-Fi. --- The Summoning of Gary It all started with a late-night attempt to “ascend.” You know, the usual—candles, crystals, gentle spa music, and a YouTube video titled “Meet Your Spirit Guide in 5 Minutes (No Tools Needed).” I followed every instruction. I opened my crown chakra like it was a retractable skylight. I breathed like I was made of fog. I called on my ancestors, my higher self, and any available cosmic interns. And then Gary showed up. Just stood there in the middle of my living room, glowing faintly like a nightlight shaped like a man who lives in a retired RV. He wore Crocs with galactic-print socks. His beard looked l...
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🔐 Episode 4: I Unlocked My Heart Chakra and a Pigeon Moved In

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  If you've ever followed a guided meditation and wondered, “Am I doing this too hard?” —I have an answer for you. Yes. You can absolutely do meditation too hard. I found this out the weird way (as usual), when I followed an online video titled: “Radical Heart Chakra Opening for Deep Healing and Possibly Sweating.” The narrator had a voice like warm soup and ocean mist. She said, “Visualize your heart as a blooming lotus.” I did. She said, “Let go of fear and invite in love.” I did that too. Then she said, “Now imagine a great light pouring through your chest like the sun cracking open a watermelon.” That’s where things went… off-script. Because instead of light, something else came through. A pigeon. A literal pigeon flapped its dusty gray wings and stepped out from inside my chest like it was renting space. It looked around, made eye contact, and cooed. Then it curled up on the left side of my rib cage like it had always lived there. And honestly? I panicked for a f...
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🪐 Episode 3: I Did Astrology Wrong and Accidentally Became a Planet

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This week's episode begins with a simple idea: write some affirmations. Just some innocent, cosmic little mantras to realign my chakras and unclog the energetic hairball that has become my week. Carl, my monocled cactus (and full-time vibe consultant), suggested I do it "the proper way" — meaning with astrology. “Use your birth chart,” he said, sipping something suspiciously sparkly from a cosmic teacup. “Let the stars write your affirmations for you. Just don’t overmix the fire signs with the fixed houses or Mercury might...well, never mind.” That “never mind” should have been my first warning. The Chart Heard ‘Round the Universe I dusted off my birth chart. It’s mostly water signs, which makes sense — I’ve been known to cry during commercials about orange juice. I lit a candle that claimed to smell like “the fourth house of inner transformation” and sat down to channel my cosmic affirmations. “I am aligned with the stars.” “I am guided by the wisdom of the p...
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🧤 Episode 2: My Sock Drawer is a Portal to All My Past Mistakes

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 If you think your sock drawer is just a boring, chaotic place where mismatched socks go to retire, you haven’t met my sock drawer. Mine isn’t just a drawer — it’s a swirling textile shadow portal to all my past mistakes. Yep, you heard that right. Welcome to the second episode of Season 2: We Regret to Inform You, Your Aura Is Leaking — where aura leaks and laundry collide in the weirdest ways. The Beginning of the End (or Maybe the Beginning of Something Strange) It all started on a perfectly ordinary Tuesday afternoon. You know the kind: the sun is out, birds chirping, and you convince yourself it’s finally time to tackle the drawer . The sock drawer. The wild, mysterious lair where socks come to live… and sometimes, disappear. So, armed with determination (and a questionable amount of lint), I opened the drawer, ready to declutter and maybe — just maybe — find a lost pair of socks. But instead, I found one lone sock. A faded, mismatched sock that had seen better days — an...
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🌪️ Season 2: “We Regret to Inform You, Your Aura Is Leaking”🧃 Episode 1: I Drank My Chakras and Now I’m Emotionally Carbonated

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Carl, my monocled cactus roommate-slash-unlicensed spiritual technician, has officially entered his Beverage Era. After last season’s emotional detox via sentient candles, dream subpoenas, and musical toads, I should’ve seen it coming. But nothing—and I mean nothing—could’ve prepared me for the moment he appeared in the kitchen wearing a tie-dye lab coat, holding a mason jar filled with what I can only describe as bioluminescent tea that looked like it had emotional opinions. “This is kombucha,” he said, “infused with fermented inner light. I call it The Chakra Spritz. Drink it, and you’ll finally unclog your soul's sink.” There are things one should question. Like whether your cactus is qualified to ferment anything. Or why the kombucha glowed softly like a fairy in therapy. But instead, I drank it. Because it was Tuesday, and I was bored, and frankly, healing sounded like a decent hobby. The first sip was fizzy. Innocent, even. Floral notes, a hint of something citrus...
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🎄 Episode 20: Holiday Special – Carl Makes Eggnog, We Face Our Family Trauma, and a Ghost Sings Mariah Carey

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Season Finale –  It began the way all great catastrophes do: with eggnog and unspoken emotional wounds. Carl—yes, that Carl, the monocled cactus and accidental life coach—decided that our healing journey needed a festive touch. “We cannot complete the cycle of spiritual rebirth,” he said, swirling cinnamon into a pot like some prickly Gordon Ramsay, “without addressing the true initiator of chaos: the holiday season.” His plan? A Yuletide Healing Bonanza™. There would be eggnog. There would be family flashbacks. There would be ghosts. And, for reasons I didn’t understand until much later, there would be a glittering karaoke machine that only played Mariah Carey’s "All I Want for Christmas Is You" on loop. We were not okay. Phase One: Eggnog and Emotional Exposure Carl’s eggnog was vegan, boozy, and infused with “ancestral spice.” I didn’t know what that meant, but it made my third eye sweat. Within ten minutes, I could feel memories of my mother’s passive-aggressi...
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🕯️ Episode 19: I Did Shadow Work and Accidentally Became an Urban Legend

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It all started with a sigh. Not just any sigh. One of those deep, weathered exhales that feels like it comes from your ancestors’ spleens. The kind of sigh that could fog up the windows of your soul. Carl, my monocled cactus/spiritual coach/potted enigma, called it “the opening breath of ego excavation.” He says things like that while sipping herbal tea and levitating half an inch off the floor. I don’t question it anymore. The ritual began on a Tuesday. Always a Tuesday. That’s when reality feels most emotionally available. Carl rolled out the ceremonial rug—embroidered with motifs that suspiciously resembled my high school GPA—and summoned the fog machine from the hallway closet. "It’s time," he said, adjusting his monocle and lighting a candle shaped like a screaming moon. “Time for what?” I asked, already regretting my curiosity. “Shadow work,” he whispered, as if he were offering me either enlightenment or a particularly niche salad dressing. Shadow work, for...
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